raspberries_ed

Sent my car for servicing today. Din realise that there were 3 deep key scratches over the boot and bumper till the service man inspected it.

Exactly the same sites of injury where i resprayed 2 months ago from vandalism. Now i'm dead sure that it's done by the same person and since this week i've been mostly in camp at reservist, it makes me ever more certain that it was intentionly and viciously done by someone from my estate.

Strange enough, after the man told me abt the scratches, i didn't quite feel anything. In fact, i was just chill abt it. I didn't feel angry, neither did i get anxious abt it, neither did i even start taking out my calender and handphone to book an appointment to respray the car.

I was a bit shocked at myself. If it were to happen say 2-3 months ago, i'd have jumped big time and installed a motion cam in my car stat to catch that m**ther f**ker...and i'd have applied for leave the next day to respray my car. Strangely, all i did was to acknowledge with a nod to the serviceman, who seemed a bit surprised too and added, "those are definitely intentional key scratches u know, just deep enough to require respray and not superficial enough for polishing..." he stressed on the word intentional.

Once again i just replied, "Orh ok. Just leave it lor."

I wasn't angry at the person who did it. In fact i was quite sorry for him/her. Why do such childish acts? Whatever it is, i decided to not respray the car and live with the scratches and imperfection.

I am shocked. How can i be so accepting of this? I looked back at myself. I guess i have been too much of a perfectionist. I have always been wanting and hoping things to turn out and appear in the best and pristine manner. Always finding ways and means to cover up flaws and blemishes so that things appear good on the surface. I am that superficial.

As long as things appear pristine and porcelain to others, who'd know that actually's it's just a facade? Who'd know that underneath that outlook, things aren't as perfect as they seem to be?

Yeah. Nobody knows, except me. It's hard to be constantly after a state of perfection. I'm tired. Tired of the psychological baggage i'm carrying, tired of always worrying abt what others think of a imperfect me. Tired of putting up false fronts and unrealistic expectations. Innately, I want to break free from all these and i suppose this act of accepting the scratches on my car is a seemingly small but in reality a big step in my quest for a new leash of life.

Cheers to myself.

Sigh...despite all my investments and concerted efforts to fight age, is this what i get??? It's not fair!!!
And so the story goes...

Place               : Some ulu part of S'pore
Event               : 3rd day of Reservist
Time                : Post-lunch with some post prandial lethargy and abdominal "fullness"
Protagonists  : Me and fellow 39 year old reservist mate who is the super "siao-onz" type

It was post lunch and lunch was not exactly that palatable...i had to down a few cups of tasteless coloured water that was supposedly "orange cordial" to make myself feel full...my mood wasn't exactly that great especially having to wake up so early to book in and after a "siong" morning....

Decided to go up to the bunk to get some rest after that...marched to the bunk building and darn....just missed the lift...oh well...let's wait for the next lift then...luckily we get to use the lift...if not everyday climb up 9 storeys i'll surely peng san...

Anyway, there comes this fellow reservist mate who is 39 years old(i wonder why they even ask him back. at this age..)...the next lift arrives...in goes me and him...i gave a look outside, no one else around and so i pressed 9 and "door close"...

I was just abt to casual talk with the fellow reservist mate when he acted faster than me by saying, "Aiyo, WE are almost 40 already and they make us do such siong stuff..."

I froze for a moment and pretended not to hear anything...he repeated his statement, "WE'RE almost 40 already, cannot take such hardship already."

I couldn't take it anymore and turned towards him and said as a matter of factly, "i'm not 40 yet, in fact i'm quite far off from that."

I can't believe it. He actually sounded a bit "surprised" when i said that and quickly answered, "Oh then how old are u? Early 30s? Late 20s?" I swear my heart almost came to a stop and i nearly peng san...难道我的百年修炼with SKII et al 会是这样的结果吗？还是我未老先衰。。。

Luckily the lift door opened at this moment. I looked at him and managed to just muster up the words "late twenties" with whatever breath i had left and stormed out...the first thing i did was to rush to the bunk and tore open the cupboard door and looked at myself in the mirror CLOSELY...DO I LOOK LIKE I'M 40? i looked up, down, left, right, centre...kaoz. Is tt guy from Mars or blind or wat. Or is he suffering from dense cataracts...i may look a bit dishellved from the training but...i dun think i look 40 brother...

Kaoz...*%#$%&%$#))***

Can't believe it...
It's been 2 weeks on sub-1500 calorie diet and my weight is still stagnant...plus all the gym workouts and swims...sigh...am i destined to start medications which i've been resisting for so long...

On the other hand...it's spiritually uplifting and flattering that i can actually fit into a pair of size 30 Espirit(my all time favourite brand) jeans that day when Cedric and I went shopping at Bugis...

Today was an exciting day...had a super duper complex case in OT today...a young 21 year old girl(let's call her 'W') with the most complex of all heart lesions...she only has one ventricle, and to top it, all her great vessels are transposed and to top it up further, she has an atrial septal defect + ventricular septal defect...and that's not enough...she has dextrocardia and all her major organs are on opposite sides...and she has a left to right shunt! If u think that's all, NO...she has a malformation of one of her brain vessels that's causing her to have recurrent fainting spells and minute strokes...and that's preventing her from getting her final cardiac op done...

Had to read up so much just to understand her anatomy better...but realise what i got out of today was not purely abt the "highs" of an exciting case but how fortunate i am. After talking to  'W', i came to realise how chill and calm she is. She's been through so many operations since she was a kid and she's super duper chill abt the operation today. No questions to ask me at all save wat time is the op gg to be so that her ever-loving mom can standby outside the op room...

Due to her condition, she's chronically hypoxic(not enough oxygen in the blood) and so she has this bluish hue over her face, lips and tongue which in my and my consultant's opinion makes her look quite pretty. I even described her to be like a glittery elf-like lady(not the small little elves but like the ones in Lord of the rings - Liv Tyler...)

She braved through all the multiple ops and frequent hospitalisations and never once did i hear her lament. When i first saw her in the ward, a simple hello to me and she was back on her playstation again. Cool!

However, the saddest thing was after all the difficult logistic arrangements and pushing the heavy machines to the radiology department, the radiologist could not embolise her AV malfomation...she would need to be re-scheduled for a major brain surgery in the near future.

I dunno how i'll take it if it were to happen to me, but i know i'll definitely not be half as chill as she is. I really hope life treats "W" kinder...